Elusive Ink

Currently Listening
In This Life
Chantal Kreviazuk



I fully expect this post to be pretty spazzy. Consider yourself warned. Got up at 5:30 this morning to be able to wash the pots left over from last night's dinner, shower, and get ready for work before Mom, Molly, and I left to go hunt for deals at yard sales. Despite the rainy weather causing there to be fewer sales than we'd hoped for - we found some good buys and enjoyed spending the morning together. (Although, Note to Self: Next time take coffee.) Because there weren't as many garage sales as we'd expected, we took advantage of the extra time before I had to be at work - to check out the local farmer's market, and the Salvation Army. Both had been on our lists of things to do for a while. Salvation Army wasn't all too exciting (but that was our last stop, and we were pretty soaked from the rain), we did discover some fantastic things at the Farmer's Market, and I look forward to spending more Saturday mornings there in the future. Preferrably when it isn't cold and windy. Not that rain isn't exhilerating.

I was desperate for coffee by the time I got to work, and grabbed one for my friend/coworker, Mary as well. Her drink is a venti whole milk latte, and of course the starbucks where I work was out of whole milk. I think that just got Mary's day started off on a bad note, because from the moment I arrived at work, she looked frazzled, and was in a terrible mood! All I have to say is: poor us!! Don't worry people, Mary knows and admits to having had a poor attitude - and won't take offense at reading this here.

I felt bad, because I struggle with feeling like I don't work hard enough, or contribute enough at home. (Despite everyone's assurances that I do more than enough.) Mary kept saying that "no one ever does their job right around here" and I don't think I was very sympathetic, because I was trying to not take it personally, and contribute to my bad habit of false guilt at not working hard enough.

The outlet was extremely busy today (some good sales going on!) and yet still our sales were terrible. Apparently brightly colored cast iron pots are not a priority in the lives of some. Maybe they're only a priority for me because I get a nice discount, and don't have so many bills to pay. I make it a prority, because my Le Creuset collection is an investment, they're all lifetime guaranteed - and hopefully my children's children will inherit them someday.

So, let's see...things that are on my mind lately. I really need to finish reading my chemistry book - it's at the top of my to-do list. Aside from that, and a few other loose ends I'm pretty much finished with school. I'm certainly not doing anything full-time as far as my academics are concerned lately - I've been more preoccupied with work and home. I'm very conflicted where college is concerned, and still haven't decided if that will be something I'll pursue this fall. I am still gathering information - and financial details and options, but the more I think and pray about it the more I am convicted that it is not something worth going into debt for. I would much rather spend the next few years building good credit, and pursuing my career on my own. Obviously that would be a difficult path to take emotionally, it will be harder for me to build a reputation as an artist without a degree. Fortunately, it won't be as hard as it would be if I were in another field. People want certification for their doctors, dentists, accountants, teachers, and contractors - but they expect something different from artists. I want to give the world something different, I want to show them passion, and I want my photography to reflect talent and joy for my trade. When a couple is looking for a wedding photographer - they are much more likely to choose a photographer whose work reflects the beauty and romance of wedding days...rather than someone who may have the technical skills, but possibly not the passion for their work. There is something to be said for pursuing what fulfills you.

On the other hand, with a degree I would be given opportunities that I wouldn't have otherwise. Not that God ever fails to put opportunities in my path, but is college one of those opportunities? How can I know, these things are never so obvious. There has been no full ride scholarship to allow me to be at peace about not going into debt over college. Am I supposed to put aside my no-debt conviction, or am I supposed to take the harder path? Would the college experience aid in my growth and development into a loving, nurturing future wife, mother, photographer, inkeeper, writer, etc. or will it force me to conform? All of these are questions that spin through my head constantly. The scariest thing? This is my decision. A big one. Not a decision like "do I want to buy an espresso maker?" or "is a prime lens, or a kitchenaid pro a better investment?" or "should I put in an application for a different job?" All of the "adult" decisions I've made thusfar have been insignificant in the long run. Well --- not insignificant, but, somehow they don't carry as much weight as this one. Of course, if I decide not to go to college right now, that doesn't mean that I will never go. But I am not going into this decision with my eyes closed, I know that the further people get from highschool, the less likely they are to go to college.

Why don't more adults go to college? Why isn't there a more economical way to learn a trade? Doesn't it make more sense to build good credit first, to save money and be financially stable before you go to college? Sometimes I wonder if the fact that college is what is supposed to get us to financial success is just a cruel irony. Someone sat down one day and said "let's start a school for all the not-quite-matured numbskulls, charge them inordinate amounts to get a piece of paper saying we saw to it that they were educated, and then charge interest for years to come so that they will always attribute their success to us...we'll never be far out of their minds!"

Could I be successful without college? Absolutely. I don't want to define success by finances, but I also don't want to dismiss finances and make whatever sacrifices necessary to go to college. I would regret that deeply.

So...with all of that being said, I decided the other day that there were too many things that I want to do to hold in my brain at one time. I wrote them all down. I had intended to keep it a handwritten list - but decided shortly thereafter that I wanted to be able to share it with Nathan, and typed it up. I hate feeling like every day is just another step on the treadmill, and wanted something I could refer to when I was feeling like I had no direction. Sort of like a metaphorical goal globe, spin it and see where your finger lands, and that becomes your project, or goal. Right now I really want to concentrate on maturing as an artist, not only in my photography - but getting back to my original passions, painting and writing. Daily to-do lists get so overwhelming sometimes. I lose sight of the things that are most important and fulfilling to me, personally.

I'll post the list at the end of this post for anyone who is curious. One of the things that I've really had on my heart and mind lately is daydreams of owning an inn. Anyone remember my "activity center" goal of the past ten or so years? This it the latest flavor, and the most developed so far. I want to do some drawings to try and illustrate what is in my head, but part of me is afraid to do so because I would just be disappointing. My imagination is so vivid. But to summarize my most recent version of the "plan" -- I've decided that I would really love to own an inn. It combines my love for taking care of people, having an "open door" with my other big plans and ideas. I always tell my friends and aquaintances that my door is always open - and it seems like it would be so fulfilling to do that for others. But there has to be something to set my inn apart from others. First of all: the library. It would be filled only with good, hearty, meaty books - classics, and "learning" books - no trashy novels. There will be extensive resources for anyone to be able to come and find whatever their passionate about, and learn more about it. The inn will host workshops, lectures, as well as "trade weekends" where guests can come and "trial run" anything from creative writing, to chemistry, to advanced mathematics, to plumbing and electrical work. We'll have guest speakers, and hands-on activities, at reasonable prices. The income will be supplemented with local monthly memberships - which allows people who live nearby to have access to the library, and discounted lectures and workshops. Another source of income will be our adjoining coffee shop (The "Carpe Diem" Cafe?) which will host local band performances, and support starving artists by featuring their work on the walls. Oh...and of course fantastic imported coffees! We'll have facilities that can be rented out for the use of lectures, business meetings, conferences (star trek convention? :P), swing dance, banquets, etc. and pair with local vendors to offer discounts on catering, event planning services, and of course photography! Maybe I'll take care of that part. I have also been toying with an idea of a small fee for table reservations in the cafe, for study groups, book clubs, etc. to be able to have a quiet "definite" atmosphere for meetings, without anyone having to take the responsibility of hosting. (Don't you hate it when you propose some sort of group activity and end up having to plan it all yourself - you try and communicate with plenty of advance notice, and yet people inevidibly get angry with you at the last minute because they had "no idea?")

Needless to say, I have a lot of ideas. Too many ideas! It's impossible to try and plan ways to accomplish all of the adventures that I want to have in this life, I want to impact people for the better. I want my life, and my business, and my family to reflect Christ's love, and acceptance.
It's a big goal, and hard to do sometimes...it's easy to get all judgey, especially when you're on the cashier side of the counter trying to deal with snobby customers, or trying to pick up the slack on something because no one else bothered to. But I do try, and I suppose that's all we can do. Pray, and try, and fail, and try some more.

I met our next door neighbors a few days ago, they all seem very nice - I wish I had more time to devote to cultivating a good neighborly relationship with them, and being helpful to their family. They're very sweet to us, and have been so eager to help in preparing for Nathan to move here over the summer. He will be renting out their basement apartment. Yes, I'm very excited. We have plans to learn to swing dance, and really commit to living active lifestyles this summer. All in preparation for the "big summer finale" of a trip to AR and a weekend at Bop on the Lake. (Note to self: Send off check and ticket form for Bop on the Lake monday.) I haven't talked a ton about Nathan on this blog, mostly because I don't want to be one of those girls who goes on and on about her boyfriend. I am, however, very thankful to have him in my life. He never ceases to amaze me, and I constantly find myself thinking in admiration "that's my guy." Not even important stuff - but the way he always shakes my Dad's hand without me having to remind or prompt him. The way he calls me "turtle" and says every happy couple in books and on TV reminds him of us. The way he kisses my forehead when I hug him. His commitment, and determination in every aspect of his life. I'm so proud to be his girl, and look forward to the challenges, rewards, and adventures this summer and our relationship will continue to bring.

Anyway, I promised myself an early sleep-time and finishing this DVD project that I've managed to drag out since Thursday tonight -- so I'd best stop rambling and go get busy! (Otherwise I'll be dragging at work tomorrow...again.) I haven't forgotten to post the list, though. So here we go.