Personal: The bolder, brighter, more unexpected of us...

Wednesday, October 1, 2008 by Lindsey


Currently Listening
I'd Rather Be With You
Joshua Radin



I like the concept of myspace bulletin posts because they --- unlike emotions, and memories --- go away after a while, and eventually disappear completely. From everyone's feed, from everyone's brain, from everyone's heart.

Wouldn't it be convenient if life were so easy, and predictable? That no one would hold a comment, or emotion against you. That the most embarassing moments of our lives, (while probably archived somewhere) could just be wiped from the face of the realm of awareness?

No way to retrieve the times we long for, but no pain from the times we'd much rather forget. Only today, right now, what's right in front of us -- or in our heads for tomorrow.

Yet with some things - the more desperately I want to forget...the more firmly I find myself clutching to the possibilities of going back to the way things were. Moreover, I don't want to pull away every time you touch my shoulder. Because I know that no matter how different things are...I would be discontent with the unchanging. Of course that only leads me to wonder if that truly leads to compatibility?

Some people just can't be acceptant of the constantly changing state of the world. As unbelievable as it may seem, I'm one of those people...masquerading as a bohemian artist. At least, that's how I feel sometimes. I think it's hard for us to know which of our selves is the true self. We continue to dig, and strive, and overanalyze every awkward moment and fleeting emotion.

No matter how many times I forgive myself, and find peace. I will always end up in a spiral of false guilt, for feeling the one emotion that I desperately want to avoid, towards one of the few most detrimental people. I think people mistake peace for a constant state, when really peace is more like a really expensive dessert. It's decadent, and luxurious and should be savored...but too much would only spoil us.

Despite all this, I am an optimist.

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