Elusive Ink

Currently Listening
These Days
Chantal Kreviazuk



I've been trying to finish a blog post for several days now...but nothing has seemed important enough to blog about. I guess it's just been a rather dull week. But there are many exciting things just around the corner, there's that phrase again. Time to re-think. More on that later...

So, I know I've said it many times...but I am my mother. Unashamedly, I am my mother. Tonight she gave me a collection of essays and poems she wrote at about the same age I am now. As I'm sitting here reading through them, all I can think is: Excuse me, who the hell legalized human cloning?

It's comforting, to look through these essays and see the same sort of grades I get, the same sort of mistakes I make. Comments and feedback like "Yipes, Lita, This is nicely typed but it contains excessive mechanical errors" and "Content is excellent. Mechanics are terrible! This deserves more polish." In these words, that I'm sure crushed her at the time, I find hope. Hope that I can end up being even half the Mother, Entrepreneur, and brilliant mind that my Mother is today.

As comforting as the essays are, her poetry has affected me even more deeply. The rhyme, melodramatic one-word titles, cadence, and content of her poems resemble mine so closely that if anyone were to walk into our house and read them...they'd assume it was my work. (Boy, do I feel like a ripoff. A ripoff of every girl who's experienced teen angst. C'mon Lindsey...let's go for some originality from now on!) I feel like, as I read through these, they're almost written for me. Like my Mother predicted every feeling, every need, every fear and hurt that I've experienced and continue to every day. I feel like a moron for sitting here crying over 22 year old teen angst poetry. Things I'm so sure of now, seem fleeting. I'm not going to post a lot of the poetry - because I know that my poetry is very personal, and I share because I enjoy it...but she's not given me permission to share. I do, however, want to post just a snippet of one to give an example of how closely it resembles my poetry.

THE DAWN OF LIFE

Looking out my window,
looking through the glass
a bold display of colors,
a great display of class...

The morning sun has risen,
to shine within the dew,
It glows a special light for me,
and hopefully for you.

Life may not be the dream you dreamt,
though reaching closer, and always yet
discovering new things that are old to others
and ambitions that will never be met.

Leaving the day and into the night,
thinking of the dawn to see,
will be very much like the one before,
especially for me...

It's somewhat encouraging, that what I'm feeling is universal. I feel almost intrusive reading through these poems, seeing a side of my Mother that I've never seen before. Getting a glimpse into her teen years, in a way that most daughters never do (or have any desire to). I'm honored, and hopeful, and a little disappointed. A little disappointed, not that I've been given the opportunity to see these, but that I seem to have no original thought left in my head. No original feeling or belief. They've all been felt before, questioned before. When comes the point where you get past the universal teen angst, and start to make a difference? Not in the world, but in lives around you?

For some reason, I've had several reminders of the 6th grade over the past few days. Among Mom's highschool/early college papers and poems, she also found some of my old school reports and papers. Included in this discovery, is a typed paper entitled "Lindsey's Not-So-Tedious Life Dreams" which reads as follows (all spelling and grammatical errors included):

Hello, my name is Lindsey, I am 11 years old & loving life!
I'm in sixth grade witch can be kind of difficult, that is why I set goals! Mom, says that I expect to much of myself! she's probably right! But I do it anyways! As you will see in the "Body" of my essay I do tend to think big! I think of an Idea & then I expand like last year, I had this Great Idea for a Lego "Star Trek" series with my LEGO studios set. Now at first I had a simple idea but then I started the expansion, for one thing I invited some friends to help, then I decided that once we were done with the first episode I'd enter it in a LEGO STUDIOS movie contest well I could go on but I think you get the picture! & while that was in October we still haven't finished the first episode! Well anyway back to the goals, I have my life all planned out, & the only way I would change my plan is if it's not what God wants for my life. (I say that now, but no telling what I'll think about my "Plan" when I'm 16!)

Now that I have introduced, & talked A lot (I talk to much) about myself I'll tell you about my goals in life my, Personal goals. My first & foremost goal is to become a better Christian, because, of course, no ones perfect, I have realized that I need to work on SEVERAL THINGS And those are just the sins that I have realized I need work! My second goal is to be more responsible, especially in getting all my schoolwork done. (Hey, I'm getting better!) My third goal is to improve my art & writing. (no comment.)

Now that you have heard about my personal goals I'll tell you about my academic goals. You know those goals that everyone (all adults anyway) wants to hear from a child when they say "how's schoolwork going", but never really get an answer. Well I figure I might as well give you an answer now than suffer that question for years to come. (So remember I already told you & don't dare ask me that question!) I believe I'm doing well in: Science, History, Math, & Memorization. But, I do believe I could improve in French, Latin, & Typing. (I would like to get to 30WPM before 7th grade.) In my Long Term academic goals I would like to go to one of three colleges here in AR (I'm planning on getting 2-7+ degrees) and then proceed to Art school. The colleges are Harding University, UALR, or U of A. Then I will live out my Dream which you will read below. (Remember I think BIG! Really Big!)

These are my career goals (My Lifetime dream). My first career is to be a Faithful Wife & Mother, Not just mother of two or three children but mother of as many foster children as possible, as many adopted children as possible, & (last but definitely not least) I would like to have some children of my own. I plan to live on a 40-70 acre farm where I homeschool all of my children, & they'll all have there own responsibilities such as: milk the cows, brush the horses, give the dogs a bath, feed the rabbits, collect eggs from chicken pen etc....and then of course your given: clean the bathroom.

First of all...WHY did I use so many ampersands? Someone must have just explained to me that you can use "&" instead of "and" which was of course the coolest thing ever. You honestly have no idea how painful it was to type that out without correcting the spelling and grammatical errors to give the impression that I was the most lingually correct 11 year old to ever live. I resisted. Gosh...so much can be said about this lovely piece of work, but I honestly think it stands on its own in its irony.

Moving on...another recent memory of 6th grade involved a 6th-8th grade homeschool spelling bee. I was the youngest of five in our local homeschool spelling bee, and had won a place in the top three of every spelling bee I'd competed in previously. (Except...2nd grade?) I walked up confidently to the mic, on the second round of words, and was the first person to miss and be asked to sit with my Mom. I was crushed. The previous year I'd made it to the county spelling bee, and now...last place? How embarassing! I don't remember much about that particular evening except a lot of crying and one distinct conversation. An older man pulled me aside and sat me down, I recognized him vaguely as one of the homeschool Dads, but didn't even know his name. He told me very gently, something to the affect of: "Lindsey, I know that you're really upset. But there's no reason to be. I want you to know all of us have watched you grow up over the past few years, and you're a very special and unique little girl. You're going to inspire a lot of positive change in people's lives, and become a very special young woman. Don't ever forget that."

While, I don't remember the conversation word for word - I continue to remember the sentiment, and every time I do it brightens my day. I was trying to recall earlier if I ever sent the "Thank You" letter I had written out for him, for encouraging me. I don't think I did. I hate stuff like that. I was 11, and I'm sure he didn't expect it, but in retrospect I still wish I'd thanked him, and expressed to him how grateful I was for that conversation. Maybe I still will at some point.

Revisiting my original topic, I would also like to say that my Mother is spectacular. If you ever have the opportunity to meet her, you should feel honored to even shake her hand. She is the most resiliant, forgiving, loving, level-headed, organized, honest person I know...and I'm so blessed that she loves me as much as she does. I will always be thankful for the connection we share, and can't wait to see the turns my life takes, and the ways that I continue to resemble her. I'm proud to be like my Mother, and also proud that she's encouraged me to find my own path, my own original goals, and dreams, and pursuits. I'm thankful for her support over the past few months, and the fact that she's dealt with my teen angst despite knowing that it's really not that big of a deal and I'll move on with my life.

Angst. What a great word.

In some ways, I feel so put-together...so on-track. Putting in job applications, making college plans, looking at apartments, learning how to manage my own finances, pursuing entreprenurial efforts...and in other ways, I suppose I'm still just about as lost as anyone else. I have one quality, instilled in me by my amazing Mother, and encouraged by countless people over the years, that I am thankful for constantly: I dream BIG. I love feeling passionate intensity about my aspirations. I love the rush of a new idea, and the high of conquering yet another achievement. I love knowing that I could conquer any pursuit I put my mind to.

So I suppose, in summary, this post is a thank you, to my Mom...to my Grandmother, to my Mentors, and friends. To all of you who continue to put up with my chaos (which has been there since before the 6th grade), and love me regardless.

With that said, I shall part to go eat fruit loops with a completely over dramatic:

ADIEU!

(Until tomorrow...or Midnight, or whenever inspiriation happens to strike again.)
-Lindsey, future farmer's-wife, academic savant, and general lunatic.